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Wilhelmsen and the boys send a message to Sadam

By Reed Thys

With tensions rising in the Middle east, and a second war with Iraq imminent, many Americans are ready to wet themselves with indecisiveness. The question of whether or not to send our boys off to play tug-o-war with Bush and Sadam over Kurds and oil has the country up in arms against one another.

It is clear however that American troops are unified in their cause against Sadam.

On the aircraft carrier U.S.S. Dwight D. Eisenhower, one group of sailors and marines made their take on the conflict public (above). Led by Marine Corporal Alex Wilhelmsen, the men gathered on the deck of the ship to greet a press corps helicopter carrying reporters from several nations.

"We knew they would have cameras," stated Wilhelmsen or Wil as his fellow soldiers call him. "We just thought it would be a good opportunity to throw our two cents out to the American people, and that Arab cat raper."

Wil, like many other soldiers, says he knows exactly what he's fighting for and what he is sacrificing by going into battle. "I'm not scared... I'm gonna be the one to plant the killshot in Sadam's head," he claimed with a smile.

The Eisenhower is scheduled for patrol and reconnaissance, as well as housing support troops for a ground assault. Should the fray last beyond a week, Wil and his eager friends might just have their chance.

FRONTLINES

A New Wave Of War Machine

AP Washington--Soldiers of the 80th Infantry Division, along with members of TK and UsD, unveiled a new kind of warbird in a short-notice press conference Tuesday. With only 90 minutes warning, the turnout for the sudden news was slim. Representatives from the Washington Post, New York Times and a handfull of Washington press corps members including new reporter Martha Stewart were on hand, and were shocked.

A total of 17 jets and helicopters sporting logos and brand names were said to have been the favored design of top scientists, analysts, and developers involved in the project. Among the masterminds were Rusty Wallace, Dale Jarrett, and A.J. Foyt. "We believe that these decals are just the thing to throw those Arabians for a loop," said Jarrett when asked about the stealth capabilities of such a colorfully decorated aircraft.

"The fast food logos alone should make them Iraqis stop to think before shooting one of our glorious birds down, which would buy them enough time to drop those bombs on Sadam," explained Foyt. "I mean hell, everyone loves McDonalds."

Lieutenant General Shweg of TK responded to inquiries regarding the inclusion of names of major U.S. oil companies. He said simply, "Well if there's any way to add insult to injury, we're sure as hell gonna find it."

80thID Generals Quik, Loony and Vassili, as well as TK leaders Peabody, Shweg, and Apocalypse reportedly refused to acknowledge all comments by Ms. Stuart regarding redecorating tips.

In other news, more than a dozen aircraft were reported missing or stolen from the 82nd Airborne's main airstrip Monday night...

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